A PORTRAIT OF WHOLENESS
If you'd have told me a year ago that I'd be regularly posting topless photos on the internet, I wouldn't have believed you. But this has been the most painful and freeing year of my life. I went flat after breast cancer and I now believe that no matter what you've lost, you can be whole again. But learning this was difficult. Like many great lessons it began with heart break.
I made the decision to go flat when I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer last year, and though my head knew it was the right decision for me, my heart still broke. I didn’t want multiple extra surgeries, complications, and foreign objects (with an expiration date) in my body simply to have the appearance of breasts. The Mayo clinic website still refers to patients who decline reconstructive surgery as "disfigured." Doctors, family members, and strangers still questioned my choice at every turn:
"What did your husband say?" as though my body belonged to him.
"But your insurance will cover it!" as though money was the only cost involved.
I had to ask myself hard questions. I had to redefine femininity for myself. I had to pull out the wooden blocks of 21st century western gender standards and was surprised at how quickly the whole Jenga tower toppled over.
See, they want you to think you NEED certain things to be a worthwhile [insert gender here]. But you can take or leave any of it. Your wholeness (or belief of what you lack) begins and ends in your mind.
Last year I lost my breasts, ability to bear more children, and many aspects of my "youth" (thanks to hormone therapy), yet now I have never felt more whole. I have never taken better care of my body, truly listened to my pain, or prioritized my pleasure. Because now, I honor my body. I am no longer ashamed of it. I no longer look in the mirror and compare my body to others. Now I wake up, feel grateful to be alive, and honor this vessel thatallows me to love and CREATE. Every day I choose wholeness. Every day I make many small decisions to honor my heart, body, and mind, and when I think back to all the energy I used to spend trying to be small, made-up, and stereotypical, I'm thankful that cancer snapped me out of it.
It woke me up, and now I get to LIVE.
I am whole not despite my imperfections, but because of them.
Sincerely,
Mitzi
