IF I COULD TELL YOU ONE THING

I’d tell you this:

The way you show up in front of a camera is the way you show up in your life.

I know this because I’ve photographed hundreds of people in the last twenty years, and because it’s been true for me, too.

At first, I would only show up if I could control how I was seen. I sucked in my tummy (read: stifled my breath), opened my eyes too big (read: didn’t fully express emotion for fear I wouldn’t look as attractive), and turned to the side to look more flattering (read: made myself smaller).

When I was 17, I learned how to photoshop. Over the next decade I mastered “flattering” lighting and posing. I spent a decade as a glamour photographer creating illusions for myself and others. (Glamour literally means illusion. It’s not good or bad… but my own intention behind it ended up letting me down.) I also began to shift my ideas and beliefs and started to belong to myself. The idea that I could appear and exist as a woman for MYSELF rather than my connection to someone else opened me up to a terrifying, exciting new reality. But I didn’t know who I was. So I kept living for what I thought other people wanted anyway.

I sold photoshopped photos and lived a photoshopped life. But all the while I starved my soul. I wasn’t doing any of it for ME, anyway. I spent the first part of my adult life abandoning myself for system of indoctrination that kept me bound and muzzled. Then I spent the next part trying to find meaning in material success. Turns out, both were liquid diets, built on a foundation of distrust in myself. Both left my soul lonely and starving.

In 2022 my body finally screamed loud enough that I heard it. On a summer day in Italy I listened to a mentor say, “And then I found myself at a point where I was making more money than I ever had, but felt more depressed than I’d ever been.” Her words cracked the shell around my heart and while I wasn’t ready to admit I felt the same, my heart began to pound and my eyes filled with tears. Just a few hours later, while running for a beautiful photo, I ruptured my achilles tendon.

“There,” my body said, “Now you MUST stop running.”

A few short weeks later I was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer.

“There,” my body said, “Now you MUST stop over-nurturing everyone but yourself.”

As the caregiver and the breadwinner for my family, I was now physically unable to do either. People surrounded me with more help than I could even ask for.

”There,” my body said, “Now you must ACCEPT the same love you so give to everyone around you.”

I’ve always joked that I learn things the hard way. I’m stubborn: not listening until I absolutely have to. But in the summer of 2022, I started listening to my body again. I want to hear her whispers so I no longer ignore her until she’s desperate enough to scream.

This is why I celebrate my body. This is why I photograph it, and why I refuse to focus my energy on making it smaller — my voice, my desires, my weight, any of it. Because the way I’m willing to show up in front of the camera is the way I’m willing to show up in my life: fearless, confident, present, without filters or retouching. I used to be concerned with how my body and life LOOKED to others. Now I’m just concerned with the reality of what it is. And when the reality is made up of present moments that I both experience AND long for, I know I’m on my true path. I’m learning how to become the same person whether there’s a camera on me or not. I don’t need to perform for you because I don’t need to perform for me.

Now, I belong to myself. And when I belong to myself, I am free.

Sincerely,
Mitzi

Every photographer who’s captured me has taught me something about myself. Here are a few images from the past year. Thank you Kara, Aroha, Teri, and Gerson — much love!

Portrait by Kara Marie Trombetta @karamariestudios

Portrait by Aroha McKaig @theuntetheredartist

Portrait by Teri Hofford @terihofford

Portrait by Gerson Lopes @gersonlopes_photographer